Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sept. 27, 2010 Lesson 3 Chapter 4 Wounded

Deb S. started the group off with an introduction to our lesson on being wounded, sharing her own personal story of her life.  Very few of us come into this life with the perfect environment to grow up in.

And many of us become wounded in the process of living life, which we either deal with it or repress it.
It is amazing what the human mind can block to protect itself when the hurt is deep enough.  But there is hope in healing all our wounds, when we allow God to work in our lives.

This chapter begins with the story of Carrie who was truly delight in as a little girl.  She knew her father cherished her....and she knew her mother loved her.  She was enjoyed...and she was cherished.

However, for most of us..that is not the story of our lives.  For most of us, our brokenness began in our childhood because our mothers and fathers and others around us were not who we needed them to be.

Women learn from their mothers what it means to be a woman and from their fathers the value that a woman has--the value they have as a woman.  And sadly..the messages we received where not healthy or supportive of our deepest needs.

Little girls need the tender strength of their fathers.  They need to know that their daddies are strong and will protect them.  They need to know that their fathers are for them.

But many of  us had abusive or absent fathers.  Fathers who had affairs...fathers who did not love their mothers...

So many girls, therefore, learned something like this...hide your vulnerability...hide your heart.  You are not safe.

And as children, since we are too young to understand or correctly process what is happening to us, we believed that these things were our fault...the problem must be in us.

We don't revisit the wounds of our lives to feel sorry for ourselves, but for the purposes of God to heal us.  He invites us to grieve our wounds and to receive His comfort and then His healing.  But to be healed, we must once again let God tenderly open our wounds and expose them to the light of His love and His truth.

What was interesting to me was that Deb S. had shared how her wounds changed how she parented.  We talked more about this when we broke down into our groups.  We can be overprotective in the areas we were hurt in, and by controlling things so much we may hurt our children in the long run.  We may make them feel incapable of making their own decisions and hurt by the lack of trust they may feel from us.  We may feel shame from our past that changes our responses to our families in a negative way, simply because, one it is a secret, and two we haven't dealt with it.

 For instance, if the father of the family is having an affair and the mother knows, she may be in so much pain and depression, it comes out on the children.  The children don't have a clue what is going on and take on a wound from the withdrawn and the lashing out that can come from it.

I feel at least for myself, it was a generational wounding that was past down through the parenting.  My great grandmother came from a large family and she was the youngest.  A twin actually, her mother died during childbirth.  Her father remarried shortly after and she was given away and raised by another family.  That doesn't make you feel wanted when the new bride doesn't want the children that are there.  She grew up fast marrying at only 14 years old with a wounded heart of no love from her parents.

She had three children, one being my grandfather.  She decided at one point she didn't want to be married and took the two youngest with her out of state.  As my aunt tells it, she would threat them by saying she would sell them and they grew up in fear that she could get rid of them at any time.  I'm sure they did not feel valued or secure in the love of any parent.  My grandfather turned into an alcoholic to I'm sure cope with his wounds.

My mom was going to change things for herself by being in control of her world when she married at 16.  She was emotionally unavailable to me growing up, and my father absent a lot of the time.  My mother often shutting down emotionally because of issues between her and my father that I had no clue about.  I felt my worth was not in being, it was only in being useful.  My mom was not one to want to take me shopping or be involved in the important events in my life.  She never attended my bridal or baby showers.  My mother in law took notice of all this and one day said your mother doesn't love you.  Talk about cut to the core, that was my deepest fear, my biggest wound.  I cried for days because I felt it must be true.  It did not stop me from pursuing my mom in a big way trying to please her every way I could to get her love and attention.

Healing our wounds is not just important for us, but everyone our lives touch as well.  The wound has tentacles that will wrap itself around other areas of our lives.  But there is hope in healing for us all.
God gave me this verse yesterday and it's one we all need to hear, that God can make something new for us.

Isaiah 43:18 & 19
Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

We all need to ask God to reveal to us the ways that believing these things has shaped our lives.  Are you ready and willing to consider the secret, awful things you have come to deeply believe about yourself are not true and that you did not deserve the wounds you received:  What if they are lies?  What would that mean about you and your life? What if the message delivered with your wounds simply isn't true about you?

The questions, "Does God see me?  An I captivating?  Do I have a beauty all my own?" are questions we must ask of God. We must ask Him what He sees.  We need to take this to Him.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

How to Post Comments

Look to your right and you will see blog archives, click on the one you want to comment on and at the bottom of the article it will have a place for you to write.  Hope that helps if you've never done this before.
Also more books are in if you had signed up for one see me by Oct. 3rd or your book will go to the next person waiting.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Lesson 2 Chapter 2 What Eve Alone Can Tell & 3 Haunted by a Question

  This was the first night in the big room off the fellowship hall where we will be meeting from now on.    Deb S. lead an introduction to the chapters and then we broke down in to smaller groups to discuss the study questions.  Deb talked to the group how Eve is the crescendo..the final, astonishing work of God.  That she fills a place in the world like no one can.  And even after all that God made including Man, God said it is not good for man to be alone.  When God creates Eve, He calls her an ezer kenegdo.  The word ezer is used only 20 times in the entire Old Testament.  And in every other instance, the person being described is God Himself...when we need Him to come through for us...desperateley!     So let's think for a moment of women and men in the bible who we see were completely dependent on God to be their ezer.  There is Abraham, Moses, Joseph, Deborah, Esther.  Think about this then...God does not call us to a safe life....God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers.  Why else would we need him to be our ezer?   And so we now know that this is how God sees us...as lifesavers, life givers, risk takers, unafraid of dangers...totally dependent upon Him!

    What does your heart do with being called the crown of creation?

    Deb told us that there was a time in her life when she didn't feel the beauty and the specialness that God has made each one of us with.  She had a left over crown stuffed in her desk drawer at work from a function and when she would open it she was reminded that she did not feel worthy to wear one. A crown to her was a reminder that woman is the crowning glory of creation.  She struggled through what that meant, and there did come a time after really reading this book that she could finally see herself as God made her and she could wear her crown.  Deb past around the crown and also passed out a bowl of Lifesavers for each of us to take and stash different places to remind us of the fact that God has made us women all lifesavers!  These Lifesavers will be on the information desk for you to take, as many as you like.
   Deb also wrote this:  The last few years I have watched a television program..called True Beauty.  It is a show that has "beautiful" contestant...each vying for the title, the most beautiful person in America.  What the contestants don't know...is that they are secretly being watch ..and that the judges have put traps in place...circumstances where the contestants can be judged...not on their outward beauty..but on their inward beauty.  How  will they react to a homeless person or the opportunity to get ahead in the contest by cheating or stealing.  Yes, all the people are gorgeous and handsome people on the outside...but one by one each is disqualified when their true nature or their lack of inner beauty is revealed.  The best part of the show is when the judges show the contestants the videotapes of their sins or indiscretions.  It is always amazing how 99% of the time the contestants say..that is not really who I am...yet there it is in black and white for them and the whole world to see.  I love this show because I think this is exactly what it will be like in Heaven...God sees the inner man (or woman) as the case may be.  We will have no place to hide...and so to me, our beauty is really revealed on the inside..

A woman, at rest, is a woman of beauty.  Women who are striving can be so disturbing.  What she is saying is...all is not well in the world.

And so we read that beauty invites, beauty nourishes, beauty comforts, beauty inspires..Beauty draws us to God.  So we now understand that the essence of Gd is beauty..and that we too have this essence of God's nature and character in us.  It is part of what we are made for...to reveal His beauty in the earth.

The next two question are :

What are some aspects of the power of beauty and how have you experienced the healing, restorative power of beauty through another person?

I  (Deb D.) don't know if this happened to anyone else but I noticed the words that I had in both questions had the same meaning just different words.  We all have read above and in the book that beauty invites (doesn't hurry), nourishes (positive), and comforts (non judgemental).  The words in the brackets are what when an other woman gives these to me, she helps to heal my hurts.  If a woman hurries to hear me, it doesn't feel inviting, if she is critical, it doesn't nourish my soul, and if I feel judgement it doesn't comfort me.  Everyone of us live in this fast paced world of ours, and we all face the one big question of how can we be inviting?  I would love to hear some feed back on this because I don't have all the answers.

On the other side of this it is such an uplifting thing to think that, yes, God always has time for us and that He really wants us to come to Him with our hurts, and it is His very nature to want to nourish and comfort us.  This book has helped me see God is not like my earthly Father.  I had too long put Him in that mold.  He was to me like my earthly father, distant, not knowing much about me, and was happy with me as long as I didn't get in trouble (sin).  But if I did look out, there was judgement, fear and anger.

There were a lot of times in my life I just gave up on myself because I could not believe that God would want anything to do with me and my struggles.

God had given me a verse to share with you all in I Samuel 12:19-24.  First let me say that prior in these verses in Samuel chapter 8 they demanded a king to judge them like all the nations.  They were the only nation with the one true God as their King and they wanted to be like all the other nations?  When Samuel prays to God asking what to do God responds "Heed the voice of the people in all that they say to you; for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them."
"However, you shall solemnly forewarn them and show them the behavior of the king who will reign over them."  Which Samuel in length did, and it ended with verse 18 And you will cry out in that day because of your king whom you have chosen for yourselves, and the Lord will not hear you in that day.
19 Nevertheless the people refused to obey. They replied "No, but we will have a king over us, that we may be like all the nations." And God said to Samuel heed their voice and make them a king.  So they know their choice is not going to end well.

I Samuel 12:19-24  And all the people said to Samuel, "Pray for your servants to the Lord your God, that we may not die, for we have added to all our sins the evil of asking a king for ourselves."  Then Samuel said to the people, "Do not fear, You have done all this wickedness; yet do not turn aside from following the Lord; but serve the Lord with all your heart.  And do not turn aside; for then you would go after empty things which cannot profit or deliver, for they are nothing.  For the Lord will not forsake His people, for His great name's sake because it has pleased the Lord to make you His people.  Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you; but I will teach you the good and the right way.  Only fear the Lord, and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you."

I think these verses can speak to us women with relational voids in our lives.  God made us relational to fill ourselves with Him.  But sometimes we want to pursue those things that the world tells us we need to be happy, or we simply don't like to have to wait on God timing for the things we want so we are willing to take less then we should.  We think like Eve, God is holding out on us....but really I think sometimes we deep down often know it will not end well when we demand and take our way.  And when we are hurting again after we take our own road God is calling us back because it pleases Him to make us His.

If we just would not turn aside, for then you would go after empty things which cannot profit or deliver, for they are nothing.  There God tells us when we fill our relational needs outside of Him being first in our lives it will not end well.  He will never forsake us no matter what we have done or how long we have strayed away from Him.  Just like with Israel, he is ready to restore us.

All the groups ended with the same verse Hebrews 4:14-16 Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Did you see that, He sympathizes with our weaknesses, He wants to give us mercy and grace when we are hurting.  He is inviting, He wants to be our comfort, to nourish and inspire us.  How could we ever doubt His goodness towards us?

From the fall in the garden we are from this point on cursed...with futility and failure.  When a man goes bad, as every man has after the fall, he either becomes a weak, passive man-strength surrendered- or he becomes a violent, driven man-strength unglued.  When a woman falls from grace, she either becomes a dominating, controlling woman or a desolate, mousy woman.

Fallen Eve controls her relationships.  She refuses to be vulnerable.  And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so she will be safe and in control.

Women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability.  Controlling women tend to be very well regarded in this fallen world of ours.  We are the ones to receive corporate promotions.  We are can-do, bottom-line, get it done women.  We may have never considered that by living a controlling and domineering life, that we are really refusing to trust God.

Which way do we fall and the important women in our lives?

Underneath our sin is a deep fear.  Of what are you most afraid?

And in our fears we look to other things to satisfy us.  We indulge in food, in romance novels, shopping, soap operas, etc.  The list is virtually endless.   We somehow know we are substituting these things for the intimacy we lack, but it is much easier to cover up our need than to admit it and to allow our fallenness and our deep ache to draw us closer to God.

And that is the beauty of this book.   For the first time in my life, it has revealed deep truths that are allowing us-giving us permission to recognize our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our sins and the sins against us--that brought us to where we are...and so we can, perhaps for the first time in our lives, go to God with the question that we have wanted answered our whole lives...Am I lovely? Do you see me?  Are you (God) captivated by what You find in me?

      

Friday, September 17, 2010

Contents for Discussion on Chapter 1

Deb S. started out by telling us how she came to lead this study.  How she was going through a really rough time in her life and this book provided some of the healing she needed at that time.  But she will tell you it wasn't easy and it wasn't overnight.  The book moved her so much that she had been wanting to do this with the women at our church so that they too could overcome their deep wounds as well.  This summer through prayer and talking to other women it became apparent that God wanted this for the women of our church.  Rosemary Bloom also had been reading the book and wished everyone could experience reading the book as well.  Joan Anderson helped by purchasing a large number of the books for us and by being available to help any woman who needed some extra support.  And judging from the number of women who have received a copy the interest is high for Captivating.

We have to consider this a study of discovery, a journey, really.

Each woman will be at a different place in her life...spiritually, emotionally, etc.  What one woman may experiencing may be completely different than what other women are experiencing.

The wonderful thing is that God knows where each of us is at and has destined us to be here.

The three rules we have even for the blog are:
Confidentiality...what happens in the group stays in the group.
We are not here to fix each other.
We are only to offer advice only when it is requested.

Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

God created us as women to hear His image, in our hearts.  Is this a new thought for you?
I would have to say for myself the first time I read this book was the very first time I had ever really thought about it that way.  I hope some of you reading this will share what that means to you.

The most interesting thing discussed during our group time was what was some our favorite stories or movies?  In them, who do you want to be?  There was Finding Nemo, Princess Warrior, Enchanted, Count of Monte Cristo, and Gone with the Wind.  The women's choice of characters they wanted to be was so diverse along with the reasons!

The stories we love reveal much of the secret desires of our hearts.  And how true this was!  I would love for you all the share your favorites stories and characters with us and why you love them so much.

Every woman, in her heart of hearts, longs to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a heroic adventure and to unveil beauty.

We discussed what it means to us to be romanced.  We also discussed the question of who is beautiful to us and why?  I think all the women picked the inner beauty of a woman as the highest beauty a woman can possess.    I would love to hear other women's thoughts on this as well.

A Loss of Heart
How have you felt the message of "try harder" come to you?  How has it made you feel and/or expressed itself in your life?

I love how Stasi states in the book that some times we feel we are not enough, and at the same time we can be too much. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough.  But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.  The result being shame for many of us.

Please share your favorite parts of the book.

This chapter seem to have a lot of questions, but in the next chapters Stasi and John will show us what God really thinks about us and that is what is so life changing.  Hopefully, next study I will have more to share with you.  Every one's slow to speak the first study, and it would have helped if I hadn't been sitting in the back of the room by the refrigerate motor!  By the way we will be meeting from now on in the large room off the fellowship hall in the back of the church.  The side door will be open.  Hope to see you there.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Monday September 13, 2010 Chapter 1 The Heart of a Woman

     Our first meeting we had over 20 women attend, with Deb Solan leading the study.  If you are only able to follow online or miss a study please pick up a note book on the information desk at church with our schedule and the first two lessons, every weeks lesson will be placed there.

I am posting the schedule here as well.

Sept. 12    Lesson 1-Chapter 1- The Heart of a Woman

Sept. 20    Lesson 2-Chapter 2 What Eve Alone Can Tell & Chapter 3 Haunted by a Question

Sept. 27    Lesson 3-Chapter 4 Wounded

Oct. 4       Lesson 4-Chapter 6 Healing the Wound

Oct.11      Lesson 5-Chapter 5 A Special Hatred and Chapter 11 Warrior Princesses

Oct. 18     Lesson 6-Chapter 7 Romanced

Oct.25      Lesson 7-Chapter 9 Arousing Adam

Nov.1       Lesson 8-Chapter 8 Beauty to Unveil

Nov.8       Lesson 9-Chapter 12 An Irreplaceable Role

Nov. 15    Lesson 10-Chapter 10 Mothers, Daughters and Sisters

Friday, September 10, 2010

Let's Get Started

Our first meeting will be Monday and I will try to post a few days after for those of you who are unable to attend.